Rise Read online

  She looks at me with a blank stare.

  “Henry’s nanny? I am assuming she let you in?” I prompt.

  Her eyes spark with recognition. “Oh yes, she left as soon as I arrived. She said she had to go, and asked me to wait while you were in the shower.”

  She says this as if it explains why she is here. I realize she is not going to say anything else. “Addie, what are you doing here? How do you even know where I live?”

  She startles and snaps her fingers. “Uh. Yes, yes, about that. I was leaving the office and Rohit said they needed to get these to you…” She pulls a huge legal sized envelope out of her purse and hands it to me. I put them down on the table while she continues to talk.

  “I offered to drop them off.” She ends this absolutely illogical statement with a smile of a person who just answered the double jeopardy question correctly. I smell something fishy.

  “Addie, they send these documents to me by courier normally. My house is not on your way home; in fact, it is very far out of your way. So, your answer doesn’t explain what you’re doing here.”

  She sighs, and hangs her head. Then she squares her shoulders, brings her chin up, and looks me in the eyes.

  “The other day, you were acting weird at work. Matthew said something about adopting your nephew, and I was curious, but of course I couldn’t ask you since we’re not exactly on speaking terms. So, when I had the chance to see what’s what for myself, I couldn’t resist and I offered to drop these off.

  “I am sorry I invaded your privacy. I swear I didn’t intend to stay. I didn’t know your nanny was just going to leave me here with the baby.”

  She stoops to pick up the bag she dropped on the ground. “Look, I’ll leave you to your evening.” She doesn’t drop her chin as she heads for the door and all I know in that moment is I don’t want her to go.

  This woman is a conundrum. She represents everything I want, and everything that is unattainable.

  “Addie… wait,” I say, my hand outstretched in her direction. “Thank you for bringing the documents. You don’t have to go. I… don’t want you to go. I was just about to eat dinner. Mercy always makes plenty. Do you want to join me?” I try to say this as casually as possible. I don’t know why I am asking, I wait for her response, half of me hopeful, the other half dreading her response.

  I scoop Henry up from his perch on the floor and walk into the kitchen without looking back to see if Addie’s putting her bag down. I don’t hear anything for a full minute, but then she says, quietly, but clearly, “Yes, I’ll stay.”

  I still don’t turn around because I don’t want her to see my smile. “Cool, let me see what’s for dinner.”

  “Oh!” Addie says, suddenly animated as she rushes into the kitchen after me. “The nanny—Mercy—said to tell you Henry had eaten thirty minutes ago, well now it’s been more like forty-five, and that he would probably go to bed soon.”

  I look at Henry whose head has popped up to follow the sound of Addie’s voice and is now wiggling in protest in my arms. “Whoa, there, little buddy.” I coo at him, as I use my free arm to check what’s under the pot Mercy left warming on the stove.

  Most nannies don’t cook, but Mercy is actually my father’s sister. His family has always felt very guilty about the way he ran out on us and left us with our rarely sober mother. So, when Henry came home with me, Mercy, who had gone into early retirement from her career as teacher due to an injury in her hand, stepped in to take care of him. And she also takes care of Kyle and me whenever she can.

  My cooing only seems to agitate Henry more and his wiggling turns fierce. Addie giggles behind me, and I look up to see her watching us in amusement.

  “What’s funny?” I snap. This only makes her laugh harder and makes Henry wiggle so hard, I need to use both arms to hold him.

  Addie steps closer to me, still grinning. “Nothing, it’s just seeing you here, holding a baby, checking a pot on the stove, it’s really something I couldn’t have imagined if someone had asked me to use my wildest imagination.”

  I scowl at her as Henry adds annoyed cries to his wiggling. I look at him. “What’s up little man?” It’s then I realize he’s looking at Addie, moving his body in her direction. “Here, take him,” I say as I lift him in her direction.

  Her eyes widen at she stares at me comically. She looks like she wants to say no, but then her gaze moves to Henry and her eyes soften. She reaches for him and he nearly leaps into her arms.

  Color me surprised. He’s not an antisocial baby, but besides his time with Sharon next door and Mercy, I guess he hasn’t really had much interaction with anyone.

  I watch as his fist immediately closes around Addie’s nose. Her eyes flutter shut and she smiles when he does it again. I am struck at how right I feel whenever I am near her. Her eyes start to open, and I turn around before she catches me staring.

  I feel her come and stand beside me and say softly, “What’s for dinner?”

  September 17, 2014

  I’m standing in Simon’s kitchen, holding his nephew, and he’s about to serve me dinner that his nephew’s nanny cooked. We are about to eat it together in his kitchen. Alone.

  These turn of events are not what I expected from my evening. In fact, I am so surprised by how the evening is progressing I am not sure what to do next. Henry, this delightful little ball of delicious smelling snuggly goodness, is exploring my face with his hands like it’s something he’s never seen before.

  I wonder if this is safe. Should I wash my face? I think about my nephew Anthony and when he was little, even though I wasn’t around much, Milly basically made me go through a full body cleanse before I could hold him. But Henry seems content with his exploration and I am content to let him.

  Simon’s back is to us as he fiddles with whatever is on the stove and it’s given me a nice view of his sweet, firm ass and long muscular legs.

  I sidle up next to him. “What’s for dinner?”

  He startles a little, and his shoulders tense for the briefest moment before they relax again.

  “It looks like she stewed some chicken and boiled us some rice. You hungry?”

  He glances over his shoulder at me. When our eyes meet, I feel a flare of warmth. Our gazes hold while I nod my head in response. I am saying yes to so much more than his question about food. I am hungry for him. I am hungry for answers.

  I step back to break our eye contact. I need to leave. I can’t stay and eat. This was such a bad idea. The last time I was with this man, he got me so tweaked on his kisses and then blew me off with barely a second thought. How did my reconnaissance mission turn into me staying for dinner?

  I start to say I’m leaving when I feel a warm slide of liquid down the front of my sweater. I look down to see what looks like mashed yellow lentils dripping out of Henry’s diaper and onto my sweater. The smell emanating from both of us tells me Henry is not, in fact, some miraculous producer of lentil soup, but has actually taken a shit all over me.

  I stand there looking at Simon. He is looking at me. Henry is babbling and pulling my hair like nothing has happened.

  Simon is suddenly propelled into action; he grabs Henry and starts toward the back of the flat, holding Simon away from him like he’s holding something toxic, yelling at me, “Follow me, you need to take that off and put something else on.”

  I trot down the hall after Simon, feeling the baby shit seeping into my clothes, sticking to my skin and I want to cry. This is what my nosy ass gets. I should have just been a normal person and listened to office gossip.

  When we reach the hallway, Simon points to a door on the left while he steps into the door directly across from it.

  “Go in there, that’s my room, use my bathroom to wash up, you’ll see the towels on the right and my closet’s open, you can grab a shirt to wear.” Then he disappears.

  I walk into his bedroom and it is just as I would have imagined. Immaculate, massive, and calm. His bed is neatly made with sheets in cool g
rey and whites. The walls are the palest shade of grey and the massive windows are covered with blinds which are drawn to cover what I have no doubt are fantastic views of West London.

  He has a bookshelf that covers almost the entire right wall, just like I do. If I wasn’t covered in shit I would run over and see what the man reads.

  I rush into his bathroom and again, am struck at the sheer size of it. The grey and white color scheme are followed in here. I rip my sweater off. My bra is also soiled and comes off next. I am not one of those women with breasts small enough to go without a bra on a regular basis, but I’ll have to just make due tonight.

  I grab a washcloth from the stack by the sink—this place is like a hotel—get some soap on it and wash myself clean. I use some of the lotion I find on his vanity. Smelling a lot better and a lot like Simon, I walk over to his open closet and grab one his shirts. I put it one and it swims on me. I button it, tie it at the bottom and hope that he can’t see my tits swing free underneath.

  I put my dirty clothes in a plastic bag I find in the corner and hope I don’t offend anyone on my train ride home.

  By the time I come back out into the living room. He is sitting on the couch by himself.

  “Where’s Henry?” I ask. Looking around for the little trouble maker.

  “Apparently, he likes to take a dump before he goes to sleep. He passed out while I was cleaning him up, and I put him down for the night. He probably won’t wake up again until I’m about to leave for work.”

  I sit down on the opposite end of the couch from him. “So, you’re coming back to the office?” I ask cautiously.

  “Yes. He’s been sick and I wanted to be close by, but his fever is down, and I really need to get some face time in with the other architects, I think. Working from home is great, but I won’t want to take advantage of the flexibility they give me.” He says with a sigh. He rubs a hand tiredly over his face, and I take that as my cue to leave.

  “I should be going…,” I say as I start looking around for my stuff.

  “I haven’t fed you yet, Addie. And now, I think you’ve really earned it. You brought me my documents, babysat my nephew, and got his shit all over you. Come on, eat.”

  He is looking at me with a wry smile. His eyes, though, they are anything but wry, making the air feels heavy.

  Henry was like a safety barrier between us and with him gone, there is nothing keeping me from crossing the lines I promised myself I wouldn’t cross.

  “Simon, that’s sweet of you, but you don’t owe me and honestly, I’ve intruded enough.” I say in a tone which sounds less than certain, even to me.

  His eyes soften and his expression is tender but direct as he takes my right hand and holds it in both of his.

  “Addie, do you want me to beg? Just have dinner with me. And when you’re ready to go, I’ll call you a cab,” he says this in a rumbling tone I recognize and it sends a shiver through me. He stands up and heads into the kitchen again.

  I feel like I’ve been hypnotized and all I can do is nod and say “Okay, sure. Thank you,” On legs that are less than sturdy, I stand up and follow him.

  When we get there, he grabs two plates, forks and knives, and glasses, and puts them down. He dishes out the food and we move to the table he has set up in the dining area just off to the side. My mouth waters as the aroma of the food fills the air and I remember how hungry I am.

  “Nice place you got here.” I say as I dig into the steaming dish of spicy chicken stew and rice Mercy left for us.

  “Thanks, I’ve been here for about two years.” Simon says as he glances around, surveying his place with obvious pride and affection.

  “So it’s just you and Henry? A real bachelor’s pad…” I say with a smirk.

  “Actually, no. My younger brother, Kyle, lives here as well. He’s a Master’s student at UCL and stays at the library late to study, but the three of us live here together.”

  “Is he Henry’s father?” I ask and then immediately wish I could take my words back. Simon’s brows furrow at my words, and I am afraid my curiosity will break whatever resemblance of peace we have here.

  He puts his fork down and sighs.

  “No, he’s my sister’s son. She is in prison, Addie. She was wanted for a slew of crimes and was addicted to several illegal substances when she was found, pregnant and stoned out of her mind. Henry was born in prison, addicted to whatever she’d been on. When I found out about her and him, I immediately applied for guardianship. It was just granted and he’s only been with me for 6 weeks. His withdrawal phase was hard on him. But, we’re lucky. At his six-month checkup he seems to be hitting his developmental milestones. So, we’ll see how he’s doing in another three months.” He pauses to look at me.

  I’ve got nothing. I can’t believe the story I am hearing.

  He continues. “That afternoon I was with you, he swallowed something and almost died.” I inhale sharply at this. Simon looks me in the eye, like he’s trying to make me see something his words won’t be able to convince me of. “I’m all he’s got, Addie. I’m totally responsible for him.”

  In an act driven by pure instinct, I reach across the table and place my hand on top of his. His gaze drifts to where we are now joined. Otherwise he doesn’t react. He just keeps talking.

  “I didn’t grow up with anyone. My dad was gone before I was old enough to form real memories of him. I didn’t even have a picture. My mom was either drunk or high and had different men in and out of the house so often, I never even bothered asking their name.

  “I was always big for my age and so by the time I was thirteen I was big enough to look out for Kyle. But my sister, I failed her. And now, she is just like my mom. And Henry is her son. I won’t fail him.”

  I get the sense he’s not even really talking to me at this point. He may even have forgotten I am here.

  Suddenly, his palm turns, and he grasps my hand. “Why are you here?” His voice is gruff. He looks at me and the far away gaze is gone. His gaze is intense and focused.

  I don’t know why he is asking, but I answer with the truth. “I wanted to know who you are, Simon.” From the day we met on the Birdcage Walk, I have wanted to know who this man is. And just when I think I might be starting to understand him, I learn something that throws me for a loop.

  He stands up and pulls me to standing, too. He pulls me toward him. “You are so fucking beautiful. I think you might be the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. I feel tormented by it.” His eyes are pools of dark chocolate and he looks desperate.

  “Addie…” He says my name with gust of released air that blows over my face. We are standing toe to toe. He is so much taller than me that he has to duck to look me in the eye, and he does. “I want to kiss you. But I fucked up last time. I know I don’t deserve to kiss you again. But I want to. So much. Will you let me?”

  I can only stare. His mouth is so close to mine. If I tipped my head forward our lips would touch. Would that be permission enough for him? I decide to find out.

  I bring my head forward with my eyes still open and my lips touch his. It is like I touched a flame to a kerosene soaked pile of hay. We combust. I am no longer standing on two feet. Simon grabs me by my hips, hoists me up onto the table, and the kiss goes from my lips pressed to his, to our tongues dueling and our teeth biting and our lips sucking.

  With our plates on one end and us on the other, Simon lays me down without taking his mouth from mine. Without any warning, he pulls open the shirt I’m wearing, sending button flying all over the room.

  His lips leave mine as his tongue licks along my jaw down my neck, stopping to suck the skin under my ear. I am aflame. His kisses burning a trail over me. I know when he is done, there will be nothing left of me but ashes.

  His hot mouth makes it to my breasts and he brings his hands up from my hips to cradle one. “Addie, I’ve been dreaming about your nipples. I jacked off in the shower today, thinking about sucking them.” He licks the skin around them a
nd they pucker in anticipation of his mouth.

  I whimper as he blows hot air on the wetness he just created and moan, “Simon, please,” I am desperate for him. I’ve never felt a need like this before.

  “Addie, baby. You never have to beg.” And with that, his mouth closes over my nipple and I almost scream. He moves to my other breast and his other hand plays with the nipple he just abandoned.

  I am in heaven as Simon feasts on my breasts. I don’t know if it’s possible to orgasm simply from nipple stimulation, but good Lord, I think I feel one starting to build. I put my hands on Simon’s head to hold him there; I don’t want this to ever stop.

  Suddenly, as if some devil of cosmic doom heard my wish, Simon stops. Abruptly. He pulls off me and snaps my shirt together.

  “Simon?” My query sounds drowsy, even though I feel a growing sense of dread. “What’s going on?”

  Then the front door swings open and a young man who could be Simon’s twin walks in only to stop dead in his tracks.

  “Oh.” I say dumbly as I sit up and then hop down from the table. I am too embarrassed to look at either man, as I scramble to button the shirt. I am dismayed to find the only buttons remaining are two at the very bottom. I grasp the middle of the shirt as I walk, with as much dignity as I can muster, toward my purse and the bag of soiled clothes.

  “Well, hello there,” says the man who must be Simon’s brother, Kyle. “Sorry to have walked in. I didn’t know you were having company Si, or else I would have called first.”

  He walks into the kitchen, glancing at both us with a wide grin on his face. “I’m Kyle, nice to meet you.”

  He is acting as if walking in on Simon with a half-dressed woman is an everyday occurrence. I wish I could disappear.

  He puts his bags on the counter and grabs a plate. “What’s for dinner, Si? I’m starved.”

  I glance at Simon. He is fastidiously avoiding eye contact with me. Instead, he is glaring at his brother with his jaw clenched so tightly it will be a miracle if his molars are not ground to dust.

  When he fails to say anything, I start to grab my things. This seems to snap Simon out of whatever trance he’s in.